Why We Need To Talk To Our Kids About Sexual Harassment

First of all, because I’m a 25-year-old woman & I’m still confused.

What counts?

What’s legitimate cause for concern?

What’s worth reporting & what’s just male banter?

How do I know if I’m being naive & overly sensitive or genuinely being sexually harassed?

Many people I’m audacious enough to address this topic with have opinions as far one way as the other.

• “Any time a male makes you uncomfortable: that’s sexual harassment.”
  (I’m not so sure I agree 100% here.)
• “It’s only sexual harassment if the guy knows he’s doing it.”
  (Again, not sure I fully agree here either.)
• “If you’re being sexually harassed, you should just say something. It’s not that big of a deal.”
  (Eh… but it is, though.)

Again, the fact that a) I’m a “grown-up” by society’s standards & b) my peers & general acquaintances offer up as diverse qualifications as these for sexual harassment is proof enough to me that it is a big deal and we need to be talking about it way more. Especially to our kids.

When the #MeToo movement was growing and building, I admittedly rolled my eyes after a certain point. I wouldn’t dare say this aloud, though, because as a female, I’m supposed to be in 100% agreement with stuff like this, right?

It’s not that I don’t agree with it, it’s just that for me, it lost its potency when it got overused to the point that it was normalized. And maybe that was part of the point — to show just how sadly normal sexual harassment is these days. Either way, I never bothered posting any #MeToo stories, not because I don’t stand with and for the women who did, but because quite honestly, which one would I choose from?

Which one(s) of my experiences “count” as sexual harassment? What story(ies) could or should I share that don’t undermine the way-more-severe & awful things that happened to the women who boldly wear that tag now?

Does the time an old man kissed my cheek in the grocery store after I helped him reach something count?

Does the time a co-worker called “dibs” on me count?

Do all the hundreds of times I’ve been walking down the street and heard any number of remarks about my shape or my curves count?

What about the time I was jogging past a garbage truck, which preceded to honk at me, and then had to follow me all the way around the block? Does that count?

I don’t know, because for me, these are normal, frequent occurrences. They’re things I brush off and don’t really hold on to, because, well, I’m not sure they’re really “sexual harassment” and they’re easy enough to brush off.

But I’m sure that’s what the 13-year-old girl who was molested by her 8th grade teacher thought, too.

I’m sure she wasn’t really sure where the line was either. I’m sure she thought those touches and kisses after 3rd period were easy enough to brush off, too.

I’m sure of this because I asked her friends. Because I know her friends. Because I used to teach her friends.

If I’m 25 and unclear on what I’m supposed to report or what I’m “allowed” to feel uncomfortable about, I wonder what thoughts that 13-year-old has about the same things?

There is no doubt in my mind she’s been catcalled or heard inappropriate comments about her uniform skirt or budding teenage body. And there’s no doubt in my mind she, too, has grown used to it.

So when a respected adult in her life cried to her for help and grabbed her hand one day after class, she felt uncomfortable, she wondered if this were okay, but she wasn’t really sure it counted. Because truth be told, many women aren’t really sure what’s in and what’s out; what’s legit and what’s crying wolf.

The line is blurry. It’s awkward to bring up. And you know as well as I do we’ll be judged for whatever we bring up, whatever we were wearing & whatever we did or didn’t do at the time.

I was in the gym the other day, a place in which I’m aware people are looking at other people, many of which are there specifically to get good looking physical bodies. But does that make commenting on a woman’s physique totally fair game?

I was leg pressing, lying on my back on the machine with my feet up on the platform, legs raised up, eyes looking up towards the ceiling when a man at least twice my age approached me. I was lying down, so when he came to stand next to me, there was really no way not to look at him.

“I’m not gawking,” he said (to which I thought, but you must know you appear to be gawking, otherwise you wouldn’t have preemptively defended yourself,) “but you have some nice legs. That’s impressive.” He proceeded to let out a chuckle.

This was anything but the first time something of this nature had happened to me. “Thank you,” I said politely.

“I mean, I’m really not being inappropriate, but your legs are great,” he continued.

I smirked and put my headphones back on.

Does that count? Is that sexual harassment? Should I have reported that to the staff?

It sure as hell made my boyfriend uncomfortable, but what would I say? That a man told me I had nice legs while I was in the gym trying to get nice legs?

The problem is not that the lines are blurry (although they are. The problem is, the lines are blurry and we never talk about them with our kids. The problem is, the 13-year-old girl who got touched by her 8th grade teacher probably really felt deep down that that was wrong, but because sexual harassment is too taboo to talk about until it’s too late, she was afraid to speak up.

This is why we need to talk to our kids about this.

Because the more we don’t, the more of them are growing up to be you and me; to be women unclear of what “counts” and what doesn’t, or women who believe everything counts, which still causes much confusion on both sides.

If we report every incident of discomfort by a male, catalog every catcall & ban all male banter about female bodies, we take away the opportunity for individual freedom, expression and discernment.

If we teach our girls that any time a boy makes them uncomfortable, he is sexually harassing them and should be reported, we are denying our girls any opportunity to take ownership of their sexuality.

What if, instead, we taught our kids — boys & girls alike — about sexual harassment. What if said, “Yes, the lines are blurry, but this is what sexual respect looks like.” I wonder if the stigma would dissipate and the taboo would fade. I wonder if girls would be less afraid to speak up & men would better understand how we feel when we’re spoken to like that.

I don’t know, I can only guess, but I think it would change a lot of things for me. I think it would have changed a lot of things for that 13-year-old girl, too.